Chap IV

Ah, a pocketful of Universal Dog Treats. Some say that diamonds are a girl's best friend—but forget all that poppycock. Those clichés are only truth for the people who can afford them, or strive hard enough to realistically fake it. Unruly dog-leopard-snake-creature beasts know not the language that birthed everyman's token response—Dogs: Can't live with 'em, can't avoid stepping in their poop in the hallway after the new roommate neglected taking his parka-liner pooch for a walk. You know the saying, right?

Universal Dog Treats, No Bake Version–Author Unknown

One pound of fresh, never frozen ground beef
Vegetable Oil
Two cups of Vital Wheat Gluten
One quarter cup of shredded, fresh raw ginger root
A dozen garlic bulbs
Two cups of oats

Begin by pulling out your garlic crusher and pulverizing the garlic. Let it marinate in the raw meat as it festers gnats and promotes seemingly unsolicited growth of fly eggs into larvae; this adds protein and crunch, which is important for taming dogs of the Cerberus variety, a group in which this episode's nearby beast would most definitely have been classified. Darwin's "Origin of Species" could never have documented such genetic gumbo.
After the meat has collected enough wriggling, infantile insects, toss it all into a lightly oiled skillet (preferably cast iron) on high heat; let the meat brown, then add the ginger and stir.
Once the mixture is cooked completely through, mix in the oats to absorb excess liquid, and then the gluten. Gluten adds a rubbery, raw flesh appeal to the biscuit, which makes it suitable for all situations a dogcatcher might find himself in. Cut the now-solid glob into various-sized chunks, but do make sure that none of them are too large to fit, at minimum, five in a regulation-sized pant pocket. Sure, other dog catchers are going to smell the treats from across the floor at the pound, and they'll definitely make you feel as if you're walking around with sacs of frog legs on your person, but just remember who'll get the best commission in the Once Volatile, Now Domesticated Dogs and Otherwise Uncategorized Creature category.

The scene played out like a bad sci-fi story: One breath ended in the middle of a suspenseful scene, the next started with two pacified dogs, owners of an undetermined amount of faces and scales, waiting attentively on the hallway floor for orders.

"I'd tell you to sit, but I'm not sure who's qualified to give commands around here."

The three-headed beast's two outer heads opened their eyes wide in comprehension, revealing the middle to be a prosthetic addition to enhance fear and confusion when confronted with too many options in deciding where to pet a dog with too many petting combinations. As if the glue had worn off with the left and right heads' admittance to playing tri-headed tricks, the middle head fell off to reveal a tangled mess of wires beneath.

"I didn't need to take Wiring Beneath Fur: An introduction to Mammalian Cyborg Design to see that one coming," you say to yourself, because no one else could possibly be listening right now. "It's time to find out who's been signing up for extra time in the cyborg lab this month…"